| tuesday, july 28, 2009.
sorry it's been a couple weeks. i'm going to try to not drag on and on about what i did each day and such, so i'll try and make this as short as possible. on the tenth alex and i became official (waaay more on this later though), on the twelfth we double dated with his friend cam and his girlfriend alex. the next day i had soccer conditioning at seven in the morning, hung out with alex that night for a little, then sushi with the girls. couple days after that i literally did nothing but skype with people all day (the most amazing thing ever, more on this later too). on the sixteenth the girls and i went to the country club to swim and layout, that night i was with alex. the next morning at six i left for a soccer trip with the team and got back sunday, and i spent the night with alex. monday i caught some rays with the girls and then met up with some friends and alex that night. tuesday i spent the day with molly, s, and t. wednesday night the girls and i went to dinner for abby's 18th birthday. thursday spent the day and night with alex. now, enough with the boring part, let's get to the stories ;)
sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
i'm just going to get straight to the point: rees and i are still hanging out, hooking up, and wanting to be together. i know i have a boyfriend and i know there are so many things wrong with what i am doing. i like alex, i do. there's no doubt in my mind about that. but i know that i have stronger feelings for rees, and a stronger bond of trust. that's horrible. i don't know what's wrong with me. i've never cheated on a boyfriend. i've never wanted to, and never imagined i would. but good god, i cannot stop thinking about and wanting to be with rees. maybe it's the fact that he's living down the hall from me. maybe that's what's making this so hard. if he didn't live with us maybe it'd be easier to forget him? but i know that's a lie. i would miss him more. i can't keep doing this behind alex's back. he has no idea. he's so sweet. but i'm afraid he may be too sweet for me.
in between soccer, laying out, hanging out with friends and seeing alex, i made time to hang out with rees. we hung out one day, all day. and we hung out parts of other days. but we had one deep conversation one night in my hot tub while my family was out. he knows i am dating alex, but he knows i have strong feelings for him as well.
"you know, i silently and painfully watched you pick him instead.."
"i'm sorry. this is hurting me just as much as it's hurting you."
"you can't stay with him and be with me. you can't come home from a date, to hook up with me, and to be with me. i'm not going to be that guy. i'm not that guy."
"and i'm not that girl. i don't enjoy doing that. but it's easier said than done. i don't want to hurt him, i don't want to hurt you.."
"well hales, it's a little late for that dontcha think?"
"yes, i'm aware. thanks, ass."
"i'm not tryin to be mean. i'm just sayin. we're all going to end up getting hurt. i am now, you are now, he is when he finds everything out. it's a lose/lose situation."
"well what do you want me to do then?"
"don't be a girl that asks a guy what to do. you're way better than that."
"but i care about you. i care about him. my heart tells me to stop playing games, leave him, i want to be with you."
"and i want to be with you, just as much."
"why is this so hard?"
"it's not. it's the easiest thing. you'll know when you know. like i do, now. i know i want to be with you. i know that you're something i want to hold onto, and not let you go. i know that i love so many things about you. and when i think about them, they make me laugh and smile uncontrollably. like the two symmetrical freckles you have at the start of your dimples. and how you have a tiny, tiny, tiny spot of light brown at the top of your eyes. but the fact that it's only there sometimes makes it even more beautiful. and how the top of your nose wrinkles when you laugh. but most of all, i love falling asleep next to you. and then waking up by you, in the morning."
"you're making this so hard, rees."
"just let it happen. let it happen on it's own. i'm always going to be here. i'm not gonna let you go. see where this goes with alex, and i'll always still be here.."
"let me go home, i've had my run, baby i'm done. i'm coming back home..."
update on s and molly :) they are about to have their one year, on thursday to be exact! right now s and the other guys are off tour for two weeks and him and t flew up (they are always together, always. haha) so he could surprise her and spend some time with her :) so effing cute. we all hung out last week and then they're going to do something special the rest of this week. i think s and the rest of them only have about a week or two at most left of their tour, which is good. i was excited to see t because i skyped with him earlier in the week which is funny haha. anyways, the cutest thing she's told me about and that i've witnessed, was when they skype each other they'll listen to the song "home" by blake shelton together. if you google the lyrics, it's so cute and it's so sweet. they make my heart melt. and an fyi to anyone who wants to say anything bad or mean, when we met them at the gym last year, we didn't find out about the band until we hung out with them for the second time, the day after. here's the original story from my last entry, incase you missed it. it explains a lot.
molly, a friend of mine, has been "seeing, hanging out with, hooking up with, dating", whatever you want to call it, with this guy for a loong while now. (in this particular story, i will not be giving his name out, ever. so we're just going to refer to him as s but i'll tell you now that there isn't a single s anywhere in his name, so that's not a hint to who he is.. nice try. i'm not stupid.) so, i'm just going to start from the beginning so it's less confusing for all of us. a year ago almost exactly, s and about five or six other guys walk into the gym one morning where molly and i were working at the time. we were both working the front that day, so molly and i were just sitting there getting them all ready to go back and workout and s and one other guy, who i'm gonna call t, stay and chat with us for a decent amount of time. so molly and s hit it off immediately, they end up talking for about 45 minutes. and t and i are somewhat in the conversation, but not trying to get too much into it, since there's obv some majjj flirting going on. so t is pretty cool, very big guy, very buff and built. hilarious, they both were. so after molly and s finish talking, we all exchange numbers and him and t go workout. he actually called her later that day and her, abby and i went and hungout with s, t and a few of their other friends they were with. it was really fun, we went to dinner with them and then chilled back in one of their hotel rooms. (bear with me, i promise there is a point to this story!) the next day we hungout with them again, all day actually, and they left town that night. they talked everyday, multiple times a day for the next two months. and in those two months, they saw each other about five or six times. but now, since then, they have spent a great deal of time together. they see each other every couple or few weeks, and they skype a lot. (i know you're wondering why they don't get to see each other, but i'm getting there!) now, i'm sure you all are wondering "why are you telling us this? what's the point, why does this matter?" my point is, is that he is actually in a band. he's the bassist for a band, and it's not some chinky dink local band who isn't signed, it's actually a major band with a major record deal and i'm 100% positive that you all know who the band is. i'm not going to be saying who the band is or who he is, because that's not my place to tell. (which is why i said s wouldn't give away who he is, and it doesn't.) this isn't some gossip magazine where i give you the juicy deets about who's dating who and who's fucking who. this is where i tell about the things and thoughts that are going on in my life. but the reason i'm giving you all these details about them and their relationship is because i want to know if i should be doing something to help her, support her, protect her, etc. their relationship is good. i mean, it's actually great, considering the circumstances they're forced to deal with, since it's not like they can physically see each other every day. they talk several times a day when he's away, and surprisingly he's very into the whole thing. most guys in his position/career choice, i think, would be not so into it. it being the "why have one girl when you can have ____." fill in the blank as you wish. but, you get what i'm saying right? he's actually committed (for the time being) to just spending his free time talking to her, being with her, when possible of course. at the beginning i was very cautious of the whole thing, because she's one of my best friends and i did not want her to put blinders on and get caught up in the "he's so sweet, he's so charming, he's so nice" act. and i'm soo good at judging peoples real intentions, it scares me how accurate i am sometimes. but he really is so down to earth, and he really shows he cares about her. the only advice i've ever given about their relationship, is that she needs to make sure she doesn't put those blinders on and she actually sees what's going on. because personally, i believe that charm only lasts 15 minutes, and after that you better know something. he's completely changed and altered my perspective of other guys that do what he does. but what do you all think? the age difference isn't too massive, and she graduated this year. but what they have is really cute, and he and t have actually called me and set up a few surprise visits. so i'm just wanting to know what you all think, or would do in this situation, but i'm keeping all the names and other details on the DL because she's already trying to do that herself. she doesn't really want everyone and their mom knowing who, what, when, where, and why about her life their relationship. but what i do know, is that they care about each other, but i want to know what i can do as a best friend, to make sure it doesn't fade away as quickly as it happened.
what's in a name?
this is something random i decided to do, but i feel like explaining my background and why my parents chose to name me haley ann :) plus, i'm just really bored. not many people know this, but my dad and his siblings were born in munich, germany and are 100% german. which i guess makes me half german-american? i don't understand all the fractions with heritage and shit hahah. anyways, and my mom and her five siblings were born and raised in sweden but they're a little more complicated and are half swedish and half french. so i guess that makes me, 1/4 swedish and 1/4 french? correct me if i'm wrong haha. so, i know there's an english version of haley but it means something weird, so my parents chose it for the scandinavian (scandinavia - region in europe including norway, sweden, and denmark; incase you didn't know) meaning hero. and ann is originally german for something really weird, but instead my parents shortened it from annalise which is german for grace or gracious.
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